Whenever we’re introduced to
a great an interesting character in a movie or TV show, we want to learn more about them. How did they get that cool? Why are they so evil? What’s up with that hair? So our favorite writers will sit down and toil away for hours/months/years to craft a beautifully fitting and awesome origin for these characters. Other times, they just puke something out, hand it to us, and cash their check. Below is a few of those.
(Warning: Spoilers of old Movies and TV shows)
3 – Anakin Skywalker
You should have seen this one coming. How could you not? When George Lucas told us that he was going to reveal the story as to how Darth Vader got so evil, and so damned mysterious, the Nerd World was literally lining up to hand him our money. This is the same guy that beautifully explained that Indiana Jones became such a badass guy because his daddy was James-Freakin-Bond, and his fear of snakes was because of a circus train mishap while he was being chased by his future alter-ego, oh, and Indiana was the dog’s name. Brilliant! And now that same beautiful mind will tell us how a young Jedi became Thulsa Doom. (Author’s Note: If you understood incoherent rambling above, you’re my people.)
Instead of awesome, we got this:
And the Nerd World wept.
After Qui-Gon Jinn’s
SR 71 Blackbird spaceship lands on Tatooine, they meet little annoyingly cute Anakin Skywalker whose force-power is through the roof. When they ask his mom who this kid’s dad was, she said he had no father. This leaves us to believe one of the following…
1: She’s lying and is ashamed of the father’s identity (I’m guessing Watto)
2: She was impregnated by a swarm of midi-chlorians (They swarm, right?)
3: This is a virgin birth and Anakin is Jesus.
WWJD? I’m guessing not murder a room full of cute kids.
Why it Sucks:
There is no need for a mysterious origin like this. If Lucas wanted to say that there was something more at play to a random slave child on a back-woods planet to be the most powerful Jedi in the world, he could have given us more.
Fans have theorized that Anakin’s origin was the clever manipulation of midi-chlorians by Darth Plaugeis, but that’s just a fan theory to explain the unexplainable. Now we’re to believe that the already ridiculously elaborate plan of Darth Sideous to get himself on the Senate included the part where they stop for gas on Planet-X and happen to pick up a child that they will bring home for him to corrupt.
Lucas could have had Anakin’s mom be impregnated by a mysterious man that came out of the desert and loved her for one night, or a mysterious man with a hypodermic needle, or she was on a medical ship that crashed on Tatooine and was sold into slavery and has no idea what experiments were done to her, but 9 months later Anakin came flying out. Those then lead to further questions and more mystery and not some goofy, “I swear I’m a virgin” excuse.
2 – Starbuck.
No, the other Starbuck.
Yep, that Starbuck.
The reboot of Battlestar Galactica turned a fun and cheesy 70’s sci-fi show into a kickass series filled with intrigue and commentary on current events. Among the cast is Kara “Starbuck” Thrace. For most of the show Starbuck is a cocky, overconfident, emotionally damaged, extremely religious, very artistic, likely an alcoholic, badass. We loved her. As the series goes on, and the Cylons begin revealing themselves, we learn of the #7 model, Daniel. We never meet this Daniel, but learn that he was a very artistic model, and that he and his entire line (of very religious robots) are dead and the Cylon ability to regenerate (come back from the dead) won’t even work on him.
Meanwhile, Starbuck dies.
Never mind, she comes back in a brand new Viper, that’s just like her old one, but not.
Logically, everyone believes Starbuck is a Cylon. But then we learn that she’s not. Then we have flashbacks of her dad, a musician that’s been dead now for several years. Her dad teaches her a little song that also just so happens to be the key coordinates to Earth, a song that the half-breed Cylon child of Athena and Helo also knows. At this point, everyone has come to one of two conclusions.
1: Starbuck’s piano-playing father is this Daniel guy who made a unique model (Kara) and Kara is a Cylon (or half-Cylon) and she has the ability to regenerate somehow. Maybe before Daniel died, he gave her all the clues in her databanks and that’s where all her visions come from.
2: Kara is Daniel in a different body. She’s created her own regeneration ship that’s been following the fleet and she and has learned the key to Humanity’s salvation.
In the end we learn that neither are true. Kara is an angel (or something) and in the last few minutes she vanishes into thin air.
Why it Sucks:
Seriously? After all the good writing and twists and turns, we have Starbuck just vanish for no real reason? I have no problem with there being angels on the show. They already had two of them. But neither followed the weird incoherent rules of the Starbuck Angel (such as being corporeal and killing things). The Starbuck explanation was terrible writing in an otherwise great show.
1 – Shepherd Book.
Out of all the great characters in Firefly, the most mysterious was by far Shepherd Book. At first, he’s this nice priest that ends up on a crew of smugglers, fugitives, and Jayne Cobb (which is a classification unto itself). As the series progresses, we start learning little tidbits about our good Shepherd, such as his in depth knowledge of the criminal underworld, master proficiency with military weaponry, and one freaky moment when psychic River sees him being all kinds of sinister beneath his normally sweet facade. At one point, bounty-hunter Jubal Early mentions that Book, “ain’t no Shepherd.” The biggest mystery, however, was when Book was shot, and the desperate crew brought him to an Alliance ship for help. The captain was about to dismiss Book to go off and die, but then sees Book’s ID card, craps himself, and gives Book the best medical attention the future has to offer. Why would they do that? Then the show ended and he Nerd World wept.
Then the movie “Serenity” comes out. In it, we learn two things:
1: Book knows a hell of a lot about super-secret Alliance spies.
2: Book won’t reveal his past and it will forever be a mystery (and the Nerd World wept.)
And that was it…until…
Seriously, if you have not read this, do not keep going.
In this origin story comic book, they just couldn’t leave well enough alone and decided to reveal who Book really is. In short, Shepherd Book is a super-elite Independence Movement spy that infiltrated the Alliance, worked his way up in the ranks until he could sabotage it from the inside. He was responsible for the “single greatest disaster in Alliance history” in which thousands of people died. Disgraced, he was politely asked to leave the service by being shout out of his ship in an escape pod. Eventually he found God, joined the Monastery, and then wandered onto Serenity. Oh, and he has a bionic eye and his real name isn’t Book.
Why it Sucks:
OK, so if Book was a disgraced Alliance Officer that was responsible for the “single greatest disaster in Alliance history,” why would an Alliance captain even bother to fix Book’s injuries? He wouldn’t. Book was dishonorably discharged out of an escape pod. They don’t care if he dies. They WANT him to die. This makes no sense. Also, it’s just too easy that Book was a super-spy for the good guys. This was a cop-out.
There are dozens of fan theories out there as to who, and what, Shepherd Book was supposed to be. Here’s mine: Shepherd Book was Alliance. Possibly high-ranking officer or even an Agent. Book is hailed as a freaking hero because during the Rebellion, Book was instrumental in the victory at The Battle of Serenity Valley. He won the war. However, the carnage and death he witnessed was too much for him and he faded off into obscurity. He found God, joined a monastery, and then finds himself on a ship captained by a man that lost his own faith in God when his men died at the Battle of Serenity Valley. Book sees this as a sign, and the reason he stays on the ship is because he believes that the key to his salvation is to restore the faith to the man he stole it from.
Now imagine that the series was never cancelled. Now imagine the conflict that would occur when someone found out that sweet Shepherd Book was responsible for all the mental anguish that Malcolm and Zoe endured. Imagine what they would do if Mal or Zoe found out. Beautiful, isn’t it?
Unfortunately, they went with the bionic eye story, instead.